I have a problem of keeping everything in, trying to appear perfect.
It's my biggest problem right now.
To overcome this I need to lay these strong emotions I have out in the open.
I understand that these sound like the writings of a teenager or maybe even
a preteen. I have to accept that emotionally that's basically where I am.
I have tried to overcompensate by learning more and more,
but at the end of the day it just ends up creating a larger space between
the different parts of myself. It's time to stop being overly hard on myself
and charge head first into who I am, as a whole.
This is the first step.
This is now a telling of my eventual decay until expiration. While sharing was fruitful, it didn't ultimately result in anything except for harsh judgement and being mocked.
I ultimately didn’t choose to leave, but it was what I should have done. I am no longer stuck in a prison of my own making. Shoved myself aside for the whims of someone else. Put my self in a closet and locked the door. Swallowed my soul in hopes of disappearing. I have re-emerged like a long dormant seed. Now I can spring back to life and enjoy the sun and the air around me. Actually be a part of the environment, absorb nutrients from others and give back.
We thought we were two puzzle pieces perfectly made for each other. Really you were a unique shape that I
bent my every limb to fit into. I was willing to break off my branches, smooth out my strange pointy bits in
order to fit into your curves.
I guess it’s true about hedgehogs cuddling for warmth in the cold.
We both said things that will stick with us forever.
We both let our passion curdle in the heat of rage.
We both weaponized our trust for one another.
We both took it too far.
Only one of us will accept that.
I haven’t had a home in years. Comfort hurts, consoling comes across as blame, and I know I’m the problem. The truth falls on deaf/d violent ears.
The only reason I swallow my feelings is so I can keep going. Small pieces of me are cracking off as the rot inside of me corrodes them off. There’s no such thing as suicidal, either you’re dead or you’re not.
Even the dead walk around if they still have a vendetta. A broken and twisted reason for them to keep on walking. Blinded to the world around them, stuck inside a room with a small window so far above them they can barely see it. A candle light in the middle of an abyss.
Can’t feel the pain if you keep on walking. Can’t acknowledge the numbness of you keep on walking. One day I hope the candle burns my nose off, consume my head, my brain, engulfed in flame.
I try to cry, I want to die
I do all that bullshit
at this time of night.
Feel alone, you are alone
No valid feelings, yeah I know
So glad no one cares.
No need to share my fears.
Would be too hard for me to accept sympathy
Accept the responsibility.
Let someone else's hope pick me up.
Stratal me to the ceiling.
Tie me to the fan,
Around and around again.
Until I get flung off,
cast aside by a friend.
We both said things that will stuck with use forever.
I hate myself for that.
We both let out passion curdle in the heat of rage.
I blame myself for that.
We both weaponized our trust for one another.
It's my fault.
I took it too far.
I accept that.
Our sex was great.
We finished on our promises.
Our sex was good.
We came together to fulfill our needs.
The sex was.
We couldn't hear each other over our screams of passion.
The sex was bad.
We are just two people in a room alone.
The sex was terrible.
We did what we were forced to do.
I don’t know why I keep going. It’s less than an afterthought. It’s just a reality. The fire inside of me keeps burning no matter what. It just gets more and more separated from my body.
It's all in my head, don't beleive it. Truth is more blissful than this.
It's all in my head. Truth is bliss.
I'm in my head. Truth is bliss.
I'm stuck in my head. Lying is bliss.
I'm stuck. Lying is bliss.
I'm stuck lying.
I'm fine!
I’ve always loved going out to the wilderness and looking at the stars. You have to shut out all other lights in order to see them fully. Cast yourself into this magic scary darkness to be rewarded with a dance of spotted lights across your eyes. It’s so dark I can’t even see myself, but I don’t care it’s a once in a life time experience. To witness an entire galaxy unfold before you.
Hate is a force driving you forward. The more you hate something the more you become it. The less you question if you are like it. The less you talk about love. The less you appreciate the silence. The less you are inside yourself. To be hated is far more merciful than to be ignored.
Time to say goodbye and retire back inside of my shell. It was fun putting myself out there and being slapped around, but it’s time to rest and restore. Maybe you’ll find me next year.
You’ve been trying to get revenge long before I came into the picture. Even further back then the things you hold against me from my past. Target those around you and maybe you’ll get even?
Cut out those around you and maybe you’ll get even?
Hurt those around you and maybe you’ll get even?
Get even with yourself?
Who’s even now?
Imagine someone who constantly let you down your whole life.
Hurt everyone around you, let them down too.
On top of all this he bosses you around.
You don’t have a choice about it.
Everytime you do what he wants he says you did it wrong.
He says you are inferior.
You are unlovable.
...
This is the first time I’m realizing all those people who listened to my troubles, don’t care. I always thought they didn’t care, but something changed. It went from it being something I believed, to reality.
I think I’m a selfish enough person to kill myself. There’s a spite and hopelessness that’s building up as a result of my self absorbency. I think it’s the perfect formula for something to pop. It’s just the right amount of horridness to scare off the people who loved me.
I’m just going to be gone one day. Probably a day where you wake up and feel a new kind of special peace around you. One of those crisp mornings where the sun is shining yellower than usual.
I’m sorry but don’t know what I’m sorry about.
I guess that means I’m not sorry, just wish someone cared about me.
How pathetic.
I am a hostage to life. I think this is why I feel a strong obligation towards everything. I feel like other feel obliged because I feel obliged. There’s not much I want to do anymore. All of it is bargaining.
You don’t really care so why would I give you more ammo to make me actually do it. I want to live right now so I’m going to.
I could re-introduce people into my life
try to save myself
and have an impact
But I am scared
of exposing more people
to the pain
of my inevitable suicide
I’ll keep writings these entries until I am out
Until I am healed
And then once more
When I get hurt again
But there will be end eventually
You prefer me stupid over angry
But you say it the other way
This is a common story
“You need to stand up for yourself”
Well of course unless it goes against you
Once I am upfront
I am forward
That’s the problem
Even this poem is me speaking without bullshit linguistics
And it’s the worst one I’ve written
No one has ever liked me for what I am, only my potential
I’m tired of being useful,
Used to being used,
Been used up and have nothing left to produce
I love it when I snap into my monster
A snarled disgusting smile
Drooling with the possibility of death
Visions of pain and suffering flashing between my ears
My senses heightened
My predatory instinct kicked on
It’s time to kill
The fight between me staying calm and worrying over “nothing”
Has me feeling intense feelings of “nothing”
I try to tell myself “nothing” really matters, in order to calm down
But my mind is screaming at me if it were “nothing” why are you dying
You are becoming “nothing”
Run, fast, far, farther away from “nothing”
“Nothing” is hunting you